Dungeons and Daddy’s Problems | Horoscope


Alright nerds, it’s time to talk about Dungeons and Dragons. STOP LYING! We know you’ve fantasized about killing a dragon at least once in the world of tabletop role-playing games. And if not, here’s a taste of the crazy vibes you’re missing out on. Listen, sometimes being a little magical elf is more enjoyable than facing the hell we live in. So let’s break down which D&D class is right for you.

BALANCE (23 SEP. – 22 OCT.):

Libra, you are that bitch. You know, that bitch ™. As a wizard, you are just inherently good at whatever you do, and you don’t understand why some things are difficult for others.


Fucking monster. We all know that you have always dreamed of being in a sect and therefore you are living out your wizarding fantasy. You have this weird connection with a pigeon deity who gives you supernatural powers. But he’s really your Sugar Daddy Roger. 😉 And your ~ Magic ~ these are just shitty tarot card readings.


Tidying up is just too perfect for you, Sag. You dream of traveling the world, getting drunk and chasing monsters. But at the end of the day, you like to stay on the fringes of combat with your bow and arrows, away from the mess.


You are the most disciplined sign, so you appreciate the hard work it takes to become a good fighter. You’re really good at keeping track of your stats and maximizing your damage, but don’t forget to have some fun with the role-playing every now and then too.


As a thug you pretend to be the most original member of the group, but you steal everyone’s ideas. You sneaky little snowflake. Honestly, you are just the nervous twink who sneaks into the shadows and has a tragic story about your deceased parents. #sneakattackbecauseimafreidofconfrontation


Pisces, we all know you were a horse girl growing up. It is therefore quite natural that you would play the class which allows you to transform yourself into a horse. Being a druid allows you to be aloof and talk to plants without people looking at you like you’re crazy.


Rage is your main emotion, Aries. Or maybe it’s just the five RedBulls you took down this morning, being the barbarian that you are. Either way, you should try to channel it in a healthy way: aggressively dealing 70 damage each round of combat using your trusty sword cutter.


Taurus, as the bard, you are the manic-glasses-dream-girl trope, and you know it. You flaunt your business because you will do anything to get your way (and you secretly live for NO CAP chaos). But don’t think we haven’t seen you trying to seduce the Beholder. 😉


The most important class, for the most important sign: the sorcerer. You absolutely reek of the pretentious bitch, and you can sort of speak faster than all the other signs without anyone knowing a word you just said. And while you sometimes think you’re powerful enough to take on a god, we all know you’re the spongiest here.


Cancer, you are inevitably the clerk in every game. And even after complaining after every battle (and we mean ALL) about being on the front line, you’re still on the front line. The monster continues to target you and you don’t understand why. You are just trying to cure your wizard friend who is bleeding in front of you. But that’s okay because at the end of the day we all need your emotional support and your hurts. We love you, our whiny healing bot.

LION (JULY 23 – AUG 22):

Leo, you think you’re the main character. God Himself – or Herself – has given you a glorious purpose and it’s up to you to hit the world’s evildoers and look sexy as hell (or heaven because hell is for heretics) while doing so. Or so you think. It’s pretty clear that you are the Paladin ™.

VIRGIN (23 AOT – 22 SEP.):

In this hypothetical fantasy world, you are still a perfectionist. Even the escape will not free you from it. As the monk of the group, you are practical and quick. You have about two different moves, and they still work. #StunnINGStriKe

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